He Had the Umbrella. He Just Used It Offensively.

What's going on

A Japanese mother posted that her son came home absolutely drenched despite leaving the house with an umbrella. When she asked why he hadn't used it, he told her he uses umbrellas "offensively." She had no idea what to do with this answer.

Replies flooded in — not with sympathy for the mom, but with recognition. Former boys immediately understood. One had done the Avan Strash with his umbrella. Another had measured rainfall in his open mouth for two kilometers. A third had turned his upside-down to collect water and race his friends. The umbrella, multiple commenters confirmed, is simply not a rain tool when you are a boy.

The thread became a catalog of what a boy's umbrella is actually for: poking things, drawing lines on the ground, sword-fighting, launching invisible shockwaves, and defeating enemies that only boys can see. Rain protection didn't make the list.

Comments

My son left the house with an umbrella and came home absolutely soaked. When I asked why he didn’t use it, he said he uses umbrellas “offensively.” I don’t understand a single thing about this.

傘を持って行ったはずの息子が全身ずっっっぶ濡れで帰ってきたので、傘を使わなかったのかと尋ねたところ「傘は攻撃的に使う」などと答えており、全てにおいて理解が及ばない

View on X

Wait — did he at least have it in his hand? Or did he not even have it on him?

手に持ってたの？持ってすらいないの？

He HAD it!! I just cannot fathom how he could be THAT soaked and still not open it!! I don’t get iiiit!!!!

持ってるのよ。あんなに濡れてまで傘をささない意味がわからない！！わからなーーーい！！！！

I live along an elementary school commuting route. Once, I watched two first-grade boys holding their umbrellas upside-down in the rain, competing to see who could collect more water. Utterly baffling children are everywhere. 😥

小学校の通学路沿いに住んでます。小1男児二人が、雨の中、開いた傘を逆さにして、集めた雨の量を競っていたのを目撃したことがあります。理解の外の小学生は、あちこちにいると思います。😥

My kid’s answer today: “It was in the way when I was jumping over puddles!!” Came home dripping. I’ve decided to give them credit just for bringing it back in one piece… 😇

我が子の本日の回答「だって水たまり飛び越えるのに邪魔だったんだもん！」全身滴るビタ濡れで帰宅の巻傘をちゃんと持って帰ってきただけ偉いとしよう…😇

“Offensively” lmao. Boys are something else 🤣

攻撃的に使う笑男の子は面白い🤣

Heh… still a rookie… the real game starts once you learn to use it defensively too… I can say this nonsense with a completely straight face, so call me next time. (won’t go)

フッ⋯まだまだアオいな⋯あれは護りで使えるようになってからが勝負なんだよな⋯とかわけわかんないこと言えるから今度呼んでもらったら行きます(行かない)

He probably saw a manga or anime where the hero stands in the rain looking cool and just went with it.

たぶん雨に打たれたヒーローの漫画とか観たんだと思う

This reminded me of Kanta from My Neighbor Totoro. (Kanta is the shy, flustered kid who shares an umbrella with the protagonist in a well-known rainy scene — arguably the original boy who didn’t quite know what to do with one.)

トトロのかんたを思い出した

Yesterday I was shaking water off my umbrella before going inside, and a girl who looked like she was in the early grades immediately copied me. Meanwhile boys that age are apparently busy collecting water upside-down. Girls really do mature faster, even at this age. 😆

昨日の雨で私が建物にはいる前に傘を少しだけ閉じるような感じでパタパタと水を飛ばしていたら、それを見ていた小学低学年っぽい女の子は直ぐに真似をして雨水をとばしていました。多分男の子は傘を逆さまにして雨を集めているんだろなー、女の子ってこんな頃からおとなびてるなーっ感じました　😆

Unable to wield what is arguably the ultimate counter to water-type attacks from above — still half-baked, I see. (Water-type attack is RPG terminology for elemental attacks; here applied to rain.)

雨天時における上方からの水属性攻撃に対しては最強の防御力を誇る代物も使いこなせないとはまだまだ半人前よ。

Boys will be boys. What can you do.

男の子だもんなしょうがない

He’s developing exactly as a boy should 😆

正しい男の子の育ち方をしています😆

Still got a long way to go, kid… 😮‍💨 In my book, offense is the best defense. Your son gets it. 😌

アンタまだまだだな…😮‍💨 俺から言わせりゃ「攻撃は最大の防御」ってね。その点あんたの息子さんは理解ってる😌

When you walk past someone carrying an umbrella, don’t you automatically run through “okay, if they drew it right now, how would I block?” Everyone does that, right? …Right?

傘持った人とすれ違うとき、「こいつが今傘を抜いたら、こっちはどう受けるか？」って脳内シミュレーションはみんなやるよね。え？やるよね？

When my oldest was in elementary school, he also came home drenched despite having an umbrella. His reason: “I was measuring how much rainwater I could collect in my mouth on the way home.” He walked the full 2km with his mouth wide open, facing the sky. Equally incomprehensible.

うちの長男が小学生の頃、やはり傘を持っているのにずぶ濡れで帰って来た理由は、「学校から家までの間に口の中に雨がどれだけ溜まるか調べる」というもので、片道2kmの道のりをずっと口を大きく開けて、上を向いて歩いて帰ってきました。同じく理解が及びません

So it became a weapon❔️

武器と化したんだね❔️

What are you on about — of course you use it in combat… just no thrusting with the tip, obviously.

何言ってるんでしょうね。量は当然戦闘に使うでしょうに… ツキは禁止だけどね。

Sounds like the excuse you’d give after snapping it playing sword-fighting www (Chambara is a classic Japanese kids’ game of play sword-fighting — typically with sticks, toy swords, or, apparently, umbrellas.)

チャンバラごっこでもして折った時の返事やろなwww

In your son’s mind, every single raindrop must have been an enemy to be defeated 😂

息子さんの中では、雨粒一つ一つが打ち倒すべき敵に見えていたに違いありません😂

When I was a kid I used to do the Avan Strash with my umbrella, so this completely tracks. Don’t worry — kids are just like that. (The Avan Strash is a signature sword technique from the Dragon Quest manga, where the hero swings a blade to fire a shockwave at enemies.)

子供のころ、傘を持ってアバンストラッシュとかやってたりするんで、似たようなもんだと思います。大丈夫です、子どもってそんなもんです。

The umbrella is the sword in play sword-fighting. Swing a soaking-wet umbrella and water flies off — which means you can do that move from manga where you launch a shockwave to cut something in the distance. Works solo and everything.

チャンバラごっこの剣になるのが傘。たっぷり濡れた状態で剣（傘）を振ると飛沫が飛ぶので、マンガで出てくる『斬撃を飛ばして遠くの物を斬る』ごっこが出来て1人でも楽しかったり。

My brother had one pencil in his case he absolutely never used. When I asked why, he said it was a weapon. I respected that and left it alone. Then one day his sister — knowing full well? or not? — used that pencil right in front of him. He was furious. I still love the image of him sobbing over it. He grew up exactly the same.

弟は筆箱の中に絶対使わないえんぴつがあり、なんでと聞いたらこれは武器だからと言っていました。私はなるほどとそっとしていたのですが、ある日武器とは知らない(知ってた？)姉がそのえんぴつを目の前で使い弟は激昂。泣きじゃくる弟が今でも最高に好きでたまりません。そのまんまの大人になります。

So for your son, an umbrella is a weapon. Not a thing you use to avoid rain ww

息子さんにとって傘は武器なんですね。あめを避ける道具ではないww

About half the kids I saw weren’t even using them. Some were just running with them in hand.

半数ぐらい刺してなかった。中には傘を持ちながら走ってた

🌂💥

A boy’s umbrella is for poking things, hitting things, and drawing lines in the ground. It is not rain gear.

男児の傘はモノを突いたり叩いたり地面に線を引いたりするモノであって雨具ではない

For elementary school boys, an umbrella is not a tool for blocking rain. It’s a weapon for defeating enemies only they can see, and looking cool while doing it.

男子小学生にとっての傘は雨を防ぐための道具じゃあない自分たちにしか見えない敵をやっつけて自分をかっこよく見せるための武器なんだ

My take

Pick up every stick, kick every stone as far as it'll go, flip every umbrella upside-down to catch the rain. For the parents doing laundry with soaking-wet clothes — hang in there.

#Funny #Parenting

Source & translation note

Comments loosely translated for tone. Reactions collected from Togetter and X threads.

View original thread →